Thank you for your replies so far. I didn’t see the deleted message, I can only assume it wasn’t especially nice. I have tortured myself with photos of embryos at 6-7 weeks including those that have been aborted so I imagine clicking the link will show me nothing new.
I don’t know if this is classed as drip feeding but I think my biggest issue with terminating the pregnancy is the fact that I’ve had 2 mc before each of my dds. I had a mmc at 12 weeks before dd1 then a complete mc at 7 weeks before dd2, at the time I was devasted(both unplanned but not unwanted) so it feels so very, very wrong that I could choose those feelings again.
I’m not defending h but I think his reasons for not going ahead are generally quite sound, we have no family support as my family are 3 hours away and his are just indifferent towards us which would be a bit problematic as I’m almost certain I’ll have to have a c section due to dd2 having shoulder dystocia. We have a small house/car with no real scope to upgrade. And he doesn’t want to stretch our modest income 5 ways rather than 4. I suffer from depression from time to time so I think he’s worried he’d have 4 dependants at times rather than 3. But people work around these things don’t they?
I know for an absolute fact I’d regret a termination every day of my life but I wouldn’t look at my baby/toddler/child and regret him/her because I really don’t think you can. I also know that I would resent h for asking me to choose a termination so eventually that would drive a wedge between us so I guess it really does mean that our marriage is potentially f**ked.
Back to the contraception issue, I have over the years had the pill, the injection, the implant and the mirena coil. None have suited me and most made me quite unstable. I did actually consider the copper coil but couldn’t find peace with the fact that it stops a fertilised egg implanting. And here I am now contemplating removing an implanted embryo.
I know I’m almost rambling now but I have no one irl to talk to and h says I’m getting angry when I talk to him so that’s not an option either, I am booked in to see a counsellor next week so hope that will make everything clearer. Thank you for being kind to me so far.