Hello all!
I (24f) have a very wonderful boyfriend (23m). I love him to bits, and during the 3 years we’ve been together, I have become the happiest I’ve ever been. We haven’t even had a big argument so far, because I feel we, especially him, put in a lot of effort into proper communication.
Which brings me to my problem – His family calls every single day, and it really irks me. This is my first relationship, so I don’t know if I’m overreacting – hence this post.
For context:
He grew up in an incredibly loving family, something that I personally never eyperienced. They call him at least once a day, but sometimes three times a day (mother (F60), father (M59), then big brother (M30)), and sometimes even more often than that (though rare, they can call 5-7 times a day).
They call not only when we are in our apartment (three hours from his parents’ house), but also when we are visiting, which can be 2-3 weeks at a time. So even if they see each other almost the whole day, multiple days in a row, they will still call e.g. in the evening when my boyfriend and I are on a date.
When we are driving somewhere (travelling), they will call about every 30 to 60 minutes to ask where we are.
The day-to-day calls are usually short, and they ask us things such as “What are you doing?”, “Where are you?”, “Did you do something today?”, etc. (pretty much standard smalltalk). Some calls last only 2 minutes, but others up to 20mins or so. Whenerver something – anything – comes up, they will give him a call, or sometimes me. Things that could have been one text instead, too.
His parents very much love and rely on each other, and call each other even more often, or, when they’re away. his father will sometimes watch the security cameras to see his wife go about her day (with her consent). So I think they are just used to frequent contact.
Now here is my problem:
I find these calls not only distracting and interrupting (especially during movie nights, dates, cooking, eating…), but also really controlling. This is not his family’s intention, I’m sure. But I grew up in an environment where I had no right to privacy, where almost everything I did was controlled and judged.
My boyfriend’s family will also constantly suggest things for us to do (“You could go to this restaurant.”, “Why don’t you go to the beach?”, “You shouldn’t stay inside today, the weather is nice, go for a walk.”), which, for me, adds to that controlling factor.
It’s gotten to the point where I get legit mad every single time they call. I’d like to think that I’m not a confrontational or angry person (except for two days before my period, thanks PMDD), but I get so snappy and upset that it makes even myself uncomfortable. But I can’t change those feelings.
I also think that this is somewhat inhibiting his personal growth, as he is just now for the first time living away from home and on his own (bit over a year now), and they constantly want to help with literally everything he does, taking all sorts of tasks off his shoulders, to the point even he gets upset and has to tell them off.
The thing is, I want him to have a good relationship with his family. I never had that (my parents called me four times these past two and a half years). We’ve had several talks about his family’s calls, and I explained my side, and he told them to call less often already (hasn’t really worked), and his mom’s reaction made me feel really guilty, as she was upset and a little angry/hurt. Which is why I would like to hear some opinions and experiences of other people, because I suspect it’s just my personal trauma that gets in the way of his family and him.
(We also kind of struggled to come up with a call schedule, because his mother, father, and brother will call independently of each other, and each has their own schedule, so the calls are peppered througout the day.)
So, is this normal (both the daily calls and/or my reaction to them)? I feel like I am in the wrong here, as I have no right to go between his family and him, but I still get so upset every time they call. What can I do about these feelings? What is something reasonable to ask of him/discuss with him?
TL;DR:
Boyfriend’s family constantly calls him multiple times a day, and I get really mad and upset about it. I don’t know if this is in any way justified or simply due my own negative experiences. I am looking for ways to approach this sensibly with my boyfriend, and/or ideas to sort my feelings out about the issue.
Sorry for the wall of text, and also sorry for any language mistakes. Thank you kindly for reading! ♥
Edited to add:I get along really well with his family, they are super kind and loving towards me too. Which only adds to my guilt and confusion about my reactions to their callsx