I hope I’m posting this in the right subreddit.
I’m 18, male. I’m an average performing student. Every day, I wake up with no goals, nothing to set my mind to. I feel like there is nothing in this life that brings me joy. I feel like it will never get better. Simply alive just for the sake of living. I just wish there was a QUIT button on life without being in excruciating pain. I’m nowhere near being suicidal or have considered it. I do have thoughts where I think if I cease to exist, it would solve all my problems. I have self-esteem issues, confidence issues, lack affection/people caring about me and probably a few more things that’s wrong with me that I haven’t been able to identify. (Never seen a therapist).
On some days, I feel like the people around me don’t really care about me. My upbringing was horrible. I was raised with the mindset of pleasing my parents and their crave for perfection and not being emotionally available. My mom would lash out on every small thing so I would learn to always do work around the house even when my siblings wouldn’t do them. Just to avoid her from lashing out. I get it, she’s trying to make sure her children grow up independent and responsible for daily chores and stuff like that. But the way she enforced it then kinda messed me up. Being grown up, I know my responsibilities. My mom was never physically abusive. But she was very emotionally neglectful and lashed out at every thing. I get it, I really do. Humans stress out all the time. Work, relationships. I get it. If she was having a bad day, anything could’ve ticked her off. That conditioned me to feel like I can’t be a kid in this household. I probably matured early because of that. For a while, I was willing to accept her flaws. I promised to myself that I would still love her. Other than that, she was really narcissistic (or still is) and always thought she was in the right. Me and my siblings never got to express what we felt because if then, she would just yell at us and tell our dad. Then we would get told off by dad to not stress mom out. Like they are the only ones capable of feeling emotions. I grew up thinking I do not deserve emotional care and love. I’m not going to lie. She does sometimes show that she kinda cares for us. But nowadays, I just can’t be myself to her. Because a part of me feels like she doesn’t care about me. She pretends she cares about me to feel good about herself. We are pretty well-off, never did we not have food on the table. I’m not going to complain about that.
There was this one time where she told me that I was the one that needed her, she does not need me. I don’t remember what I said in particular before that but when I heard that, my heart broke because it made me realize that I’m alive just to feel the needs of this woman. The need to ‘feel proud’ of raising a son. Without caring for their emotional needs. Being neglectful is one thing. Making your child feel as if they live for you? Cruel. As I’m writing this, I just want to bawl my eyes out thinking about how my life has been shaped around this feeling of not being enough and not cared for. She also told my siblings and I that our grandmother favored our cousins more than us. Which is okay, I guess, people have favorites, and I’m not even sure if that’s true, might be something that my mom said to justify her relationship with her mom. Just so we would dislike our grandmother as much I guess. From that moment, every time we went to our grandma’s, I would feel not good enough and I felt like I had to prove myself, to my own grandmother. While my cousins get to be happy and not think about this. Hearing this as a kid, it made me have crazy overthinking issues, up until now. Feelings of not being good enough.
I am a tiny individual. In my country, the average height for men at my age is 175cm+, while I am around 167cm. I am aware it is not something that I can change. Best thing I can do is not think about it, right? Every time I go outside, seeing girls the same height as me and guys being way taller than me, it makes me feel insecure. I’m not holding it against anyone, but I just wish that I didn’t have to think about these things. Insecurities.
I don’t have that many friends. It’s hard for me to make friends. I am unable to maintain new friendships with people because most of the time it feels exhausting and I feel like my feelings wouldn’t be reciprocated. Due to my overthinking/anxiety, I’m afraid of saying the wrong thing. Afraid of being judged, talked behind my back. Most of my current friends don’t even talk to me if I don’t talk to them first. I just stay neutral and only keep a handful of close friends. Even then, there are like 2 or 3 people that I can only talk about these kind of things. Even so, I restrain myself from venting too much because I know they wouldn’t be able to understand. They wouldn’t be able to help me anyways and I don’t wanna burden them. It’s not their job to be my therapist. As for my family, it’s a given I won’t open up to them. My siblings are great, but I have trouble opening up to them because I know they have their own thing. These past few years, we’ve just grown a bit distant I guess. I have a hard time displaying care/affection due to my parents.
Throughout my school life, I have never been in a relationship, rarely talk to girls about topics outside of school. I had one crush in my senior year, confessed. Ended there. She was sweet about it, and rejected me. One of the most happiest moments in my life was when she complimented me. But there it goes again. The thought of, ‘What if she felt sorry for me, made fun of me with her friends?’. Not something I can confirm nor can control, so best not to think about it, right? Easier said than done. The feeling of having to overthink every single thing that happens in your life, it just sucks.
There are certain moments where I would feel content and I would just accept the way my life was. I truly believed it was getting better. I exercised, was more confident and liked talking to people. Felt great. Just up to recently. When I felt like I truly was alone and do not deserve any care and affection. I feel like no one will ever understand me. I feel like I will never be able to experience a healthy environment. Caring parents. Emotionally available parents. Them being able to communicate with their children that are actual humans with emotions.
I am aware that I am not special. I am in a much greater position than a large number of people. I am financially well off. But I kinda wish I got better treatment from my parents. Maybe then I wouldn’t have these self-esteem issues. Maybe if they loved me. Maybe if they treated me like people. Maybe if they forgot about work and prioritized the children THEY wanted to have. Maybe if they didn’t lash out and knew how to communicate properly. Maybe then I would be happier.