Twelve years ago our grandparents died, leaving their beach house to me (37f) and my brother (35m). The place is within drivable distance of my town; my work is such that I can do it remotely a lot of the time; I now have two small children. Because of all these factors, through the years, I’ve been in the beach house much more, basically summering in it, while my brother, who lives much more distant, only crashes occasionally or requests it for a couple of weeks, while I often nipped in through the winter.
My brother is now married to my SIL (25f). My SIL has very specific ideas of what ‘their new married life’ will be like (Pinterest board, custom hashtag for social media, Cricut affirmations pasted around the house). The beach house features prominently in it. Despite their having to drive four hours to get to it, she insists we should ‘divide time equally’ and ‘leave it free if they want it’ and that she may well ‘redecorate to make it more hers’.
I have redecorated that house to suit me. I asked my brother for no money, except for structural issues. There are three bedrooms, so there are no reasons we couldn’t be there together. My brother literally told me he ‘wasn’t there enough to care’ about swapping use of the main bedroom, which is the only seafront one, and in which my husband has built our bed. She wants that particularly, claiming it would be ‘their perfect love nest’.
I think it’s my bedroom and while she’s welcome to my brother’s, she can’t have mine. As well, we had established how to work it, I have built my patterns around it, and I don’t want to change it now. She says she can’t be there while we’re there because ‘it would ruin the feeling of retreat’. My brother is happy with whatever she’s happy with, but I know very well determined opposition on my part will make him back down. (The last discussion we had about it, when I pointedly asked ‘would she like to decoupage ‘live love laugh’ on the kitchen table?’ He winced and left the room).
So if I want to hold on to the house on my terms, I can. But does it make me the asshole?
To be clear:
– I don’t object to their being here more
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I don’t object to their having more alone time
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I don’t object to their redecorating their room/bathroom however
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I don’t object to their bringing some things in
But I object to having to swap my room after 12 years, having her overhaul spaces I redecorated and spent money on, and agreeing to a rigid 50/50 schedule when I already know my brother cba with regular long drives.
ETA: you guys: I’m totally fine with being called an AH. But I find it hilarious that people here think my brother is an unfortunate and bullied soul. He left our hometown to strike out on his chosen career. He did wonderfully. He bought a house before me and my husband did. He adores travelling abroad and until he met SIL he wasn’t keen on romantic commitment. I’d spend week-ends pottering about the house and he’d fly to Bangkok to hike. And that was wonderful for both of us.
The issue here is that he is conflict-avoidant and unwilling to discuss this with me and my sister in law. I certainly flipped out and I am happy admitting it and bringing discussion back. But believe you me: he wasn’t in the beach house because he was having the time of his life elsewhere
ETA 2: right people, I think I heard enough. I have spoken to a mortgage advisor as to how much I should offer, and will discuss it with my husband re using our savings as deposit. I will then offer to my brother when we meet up to discuss (details being firmed up). If I manage, I’ll update.
One thing I want to say: it’s pretty laughable to me that people so quickly assume I don’t know my brother or am strong-arming him or bullying him or whatever else. I got use of the house, and he got someone else to maintain his private ensuite for the one to two weeks a year he wanted it. Seaview room might be best for lots, but he rather wanted to annex a bathroom and that’s what he did.
They also aren’t Airbnb’ing this as some of you suggested. This isn’t a random vacation share, it’s a well-loved family home that (with my brother’s full knowledge, consent, and enjoyment of the fact that everything was clean and lovely and updated every time he came here, which was rarely) I used more and more over the years. I trust my brother to acknowledge that.
As for ‘people change when they get married’: if this was my brother asking me these things, it would be different. What I got was my SIL swanning in with demands and him murmuring noncommittally in the background. You are all very right I should have brought it to him first though, and that’s on me. But I hardly denied his wishes. Because truth is: his wishes haven’t changed. They’ve been together two years and his pattern of using the house hasn’t changed, she just thinks it will because now she has redone their main home she wants another project/IG backdrop.
Anyway. Thanks to those of you who engaged in good faith, very much including all the YTAs who managed 5o speak to my relationship with the house without implying I was cheating my brother out of it.
ETA 3: I thought this was clear:
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we both have to declare our ownership in our tax return. So this isn’t a split tax, it’s a separate tax each of us owes under our country’s laws;
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my brother paid for the redoing of the bedroom he chose as his own. About eight and four years ago, we split the cost for structural repairs to part of the roof and the pipes;
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absolutely everything else, the wooden porch outside, the garden, the fixtures, the kitchen, the paint job, that was me. Mortgage advisor confirmed under our country’s laws those would count towards a sizeable increase in value of the property, and they would come out of his share if they were sold. Yes I did them, but he was informed and didn’t object, and at the point of sale, he would benefit.
My husband agrees to using savings for deposit to buyout. Have an appointment firmed up with brother. Will update after!
Reddit, AITA?