Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
The school year in our area begins earlier than most places (in the last week of July), and yesterday my 15-year-old son, “Grady” revealed something about one of his teachers that has me concerned. He came home and told me what he thought was a funny story his teacher shared with his class about a mishap in his dating life. It was nothing overly sexual, just a situation where the teacher talked about how he misread cues from his date and ended up getting a drink thrown on him and her walking out.
However, I still don’t think this is appropriate information for him to be sharing with his students. When I asked if there have been other instances where his teacher has told this sort of story, Grady said that “Mr. Smith” tells at least one in every class. I want to speak to the principal, but my husband thinks this is harmless and a way for Mr. Smith to develop a rapport with his students. Who’s right?
—Save It For Your Shrink
Dear Save It,
I’m inclined to agree with your husband. As long as the teacher didn’t imply anything sexual, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with him sharing a little color commentary about his own experiences. As a student, I loved when teachers talked about their personal lives. Hearing about who they were outside of school helped to humanize them; that story your son’s teacher told may prevent the boys in the class from offending their own dates in the future. Check in with Grady regularly about these tales and ensure that his teacher hasn’t crossed the line into inappropriate territory.
Dear Care and Feeding,
I divorced my ex after I discovered he was having multiple affairs. Our kids are 9 and 11 and are very angry about our splitting up. Of course I didn’t tell them the reason, but they are blaming me for “breaking up the family.” So in addition to facing the pain of my ex’s betrayal, I am being wrongfully scapegoated for the divorce. Is there an age-appropriate way of explaining the truth to my kids?
—It Wasn’t My Fault
Dear Wasn’t My Fault,
You don’t have to tell your kids the specifics, but you can let them know that their dad’s actions are the true impetus for the split. Explain to them that there is behavior that is unacceptable in a committed relationship, and that your husband did things that no wife should be expected to tolerate. Let them know that when they are older, they may find themselves in a similar position to you and that no one should have to sacrifice their dignity to remain in a marriage. Tell them that you know that the divorce hurts them and that you would never put them through this without just cause.
Be truthful: Your husband hurt and disrespected you, and put you in the difficult position to end the relationship. Add that your husband’s behavior is not a reflection of how he feels about them, but that his actions made it impossible for you to stay in the marriage. Your kids may be able to connect the dots. If they ask if their father was unfaithful, you can tell them the truth, you can tell them you’ll discuss it with them when they get a little older or you can direct them to their father for further questions; you decide what they can handle. Be clear with the kids—you didn’t break up the family, you were left with no other choice but to leave.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
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Last week, my ne’er-do-well brother lost yet another job, this time for failure to show up and suspected skimming of the profits. I run my own business, and now my parents are pressuring me to hire him, saying it can be in a position that doesn’t involve handling cash, “just until he gets on his feet.” He is delinquent in more than a year’s worth of child support, and they are insisting this is the perfect way to help him and my two nephews. I am already helping out my former sister-in-law to the tune of $1500 each month to go toward expenses for her and her children, and my parents and brother are all aware of this. Given my brother’s track record, you can imagine why I do not want him as an employee. How can I get them off my back?
—He’s Not My Problem
Dear Not My Problem,
You may not be able to get your parents to drop this and that’s OK—you just remain resolved and when the subject comes up, reiterate your reasons for not hiring him. Remind them that he is incompetent and can’t be trusted, and that you are doing more than your part by providing his ex with monthly assistance. Tell them that if they are so convinced that he’s worth hiring, then they should talk to friends of theirs who own businesses or help him fill out job applications. “No” is a complete sentence, you don’t owe your parents any additional explanations. They know why you don’t want to hire him, they just want you to do it anyway because he’s your brother. Unless you have money to waste, just tune their protestations out.
—Jamilah
More Parenting Advice From Slate
My husband “Kurt’s” 70-year-old mother, “Pearl,” moved in with us shortly after her husband passed away last year. Over the past several months I have noticed her growing increasingly forgetful. She will ask a question and then ask it again less than five minutes later, rinse and repeat numerous times. She has forgotten the names of people she’s known for years and frequently misplaces things. Kurt has downplayed all of this, claiming his mother hasn’t been herself since his father died and is simply getting a bit forgetful with old age. But recently, things took a terrifying turn.