I am a parent of a 4th grade student who has recently been diagnosed with child psychological trauma and adjustment disorder. Both diagnoses stem from her father. The adjustment disorder is from a sudden break in that relationship.
At the beginning of the school year, my student immediately began to struggle. She never had a history of struggling in school, always good grades, always good relationships with her teachers. She is very affectionate and loved to please her teachers. This year was different. She came home daily with complaints about her teacher. For the first few weeks, I encouraged her to look at things differently, to try to be positive and not take everything the teacher was saying as a criticism or an all out rude remark. She continued, however, despite these daily talks, to come home with more complaints. I had a conversation with her one night in which she told me it was the teacher’s tone that really bothered her. This was new to me. At the time, my daughter was only 9, and while I try to raise my children to be intellectual, a 9-year-old reading into tone from a teacher was a little surprising to me.
I emailed the teacher very respectfully just to see what her opinion was of my student’s interaction in class with the teacher and to see if everything was going okay or if there were any concerns. I also had checked my daughter’s grades and was extremely surprised to see that they were much lower than she had ever gotten before. The complaints from my daughter coupled with the low grades led me to believe that there might actually be something going on that was hindering my daughter from participating fully in class. (At this point, she had not yet been tested, and her relationship with her father had suddenly ended about a month prior)
The teacher responded, also pleasantly. She did not seem concerned with the low grades, which I know can be normal for students just returning from summer vacation. She responded to the specific instances I had reported in my email and verified that they were as my daughter had stated but that there was no mal intent behind them, which I wholeheartedly believed. Because my daughter was presenting with this new “behavior” I guess you could call it, I requested to speak with both the principal and the teacher to discuss my concerns and to kind of brainstorm what we might do.
Previous to this, as my daughter has grown, I have seen what I would call red flags that led me to believe that there might be something like Autism starting to bloom. She had just changed so rapidly, not just in school but at home as well, and she had behaviors in the past that were abnormal and very different from her other siblings. Her entire personality, in fact, is much different. In any event, the meeting was held. I explained my concerns about the possibility of some underlying condition that might be at play that is affecting things. The teacher had also reported that my daughter struggled to get assignments done on time in class – again, never a problem in the past. She explained that she would push my daughter to get things done in the allotted time, and if my daughter rushed through to get it done, she would get bad grades. However, on the days that the teacher would allow her extra time, my daughter had excellent grades. I asked if maybe there could be an allowance that my daughter be given extra time at least until testing and possible diagnoses confirmed… so just in the interim. I had already schedule a doctor appointment to get a referral for the testing, but the testing, since COVID, takes so long to get into.
The teacher and principal seemed to agree, and so I left the meeting feeling like we were all on the same page. We also discussed the issue my daughter was having with the teacher, which I stated as clearly and emphatically as possible that I do not believe was any fault of the teacher but instead MUST be coming from whatever underlying condition I suspected she had. Be that as it may, I did still ask if the teacher might just work a little bit with my daughter and try to cut the sarcasm back just a little.
As we waited for the months to pass for the testing to take place, the complaints continued to come in. I continued to have to address things to hopefully get a clearer picture of what might be going on with my daughter, but nothing ever was resolved. The teacher would verify what my daughter told me, but it was always the same thing: “That’s not how I meant it.” Things, however continued to get worse to the point that I requested that the principal just simply move my daughter to a different class. The principal told me that it’s a very involved process and takes a lot of maneuvering and whatnot to move a child, that once a child is placed in a class, they don’t typically move. Because up to this point I had no recommendations from testing to back up my request, I had to just wait. So that’s what we did.
By January, my daughter’s mystery condition progressed to the point of insomnia. She missed three weeks of school from it. I was in contact with both the teacher and the principal. I had taken my daughter to the doctor to get her medically excused until this could be addressed. The doctor would not consider anything to help until her testing had been completed, as any medication would skew the test results. (By that time, we had an appointment for the first phase of the testing) I also picked up her schoolwork so she didn’t fall too far behind.
The first phase of the testing came. It was determined that she needed a second, more intensive phase of testing, which we also did. I had a meeting with the psychologist wherein we discussed the diagnoses previously stated and secured the report. He stated that her cognitive testing came out normal. She completed tests on time with no problem. Because of her average test results, he determined that whatever issue she was having in school was directly related to the teacher. When he talked to my daughter, he ruled out Autism and instead determined that her struggle was from the abuse she suffered from her father. There was something about the way in which this teacher spoke that put my daughter in an almost PTSD-like state. The teacher spoke, and my daughter heard her father. It had nothing to do with academics, just purely psychological and emotional. His recommendation, though he did not put it in the report, was that she be moved from the class to help her work out and overcome as best she could these issues she was dealing with. He said she was not indicated at all for an IEP, and the only indication for a 504 plan would be more of a structured support, but even that was not needed.
I set the meeting with the principal to discuss the results. I handed the report to the principal and explained to her what I was told. The principal made this kind of weird face and said, “Psychologists have their place in things, but they don’t understand how an elementary school works.” I was a bit floored, I guess. It sounded to me like she was not going to consider the report. I pushed to have my daughter removed from the class so that she could be able to work on whatever healing needed to take place (at this point, she had been seeing a private therapist, as well). The principal insisted on setting a 504 meeting even though the report stated it wasn’t necessarily needed, and I said I don’t think she needs a 504. But the principal insisted, and so we scheduled it.
At the 504 meeting, the three or four 4th grade teachers were in attendance, along with the principal and the school counselor, who had taken 40 minutes to observe my daughter the previous week. The counselor was first to report for everyone that my daughter seemed to do well in class, that she interacted with her peers just fine, she played well and appropriately with classmates, she helped other students, and she followed directions as they were given. This didn’t surprise me as her problem was not academic.
I then stated my concerns clearly and concisely, making sure, again, to tell the teacher that this is no fault of her own and is strictly caused by my daughter’s father. Despite this, the teacher would not look at me and said very, very little, which is not what I was hoping for. It was a 504 meeting. I was hoping for the teacher’s input as she was the one who observed my daughter the most. What I observed myself, however, in that meeting was that as I would bring things up that my daughter had told me about issues she was having with the teacher, the principal would quickly look at the teacher, and the teacher quickly at the principal. They would exchange this look of disbelief as I continued to talk.
I didn’t make any headway. The principal pushed for the 504, and when I asked what would be on it, she stated things like my daughter would be able to talk to the school counselor when she needed – I stated my daughter won’t do that and hasn’t done that; she would be allowed “time outs” if she needed them from class – again, my daughter won’t do that because she won’t address the teacher. At the end of the list, I turned to the counselor and asked if she felt these were necessary, and she said she did not believe my daughter needed any of those supports. I turned to the principal and said, “Then why you wanting to put her on a 504?”
The principal told me things like, “We all have to interact with people we don’t like in life. This is a good skill for everyone to learn.” This one made me livid. I was really trying to maintain my composure, but this one made it almost impossible. I told her, “So you want my 10yo daughter, who has these diagnoses, to be put in this situation for 8 hours a day where she is unable to overcome them because you think she needs this life skill right now?” She said, “I knew that was going to sound bad.”
As I was growing more upset and more agitated at the comments the principal was making – again, saying the same comment about the psychologist not knowing what goes on in an elementary school, as well as saying that moving her to a different class would be worse for her with an adjustment disorder diagnoses (the adjustment disorder is not about adjusting to new things; it’s about adjusting after her relationship with her father ended); as well as making the assertion that because now the student was doing better academically, there must not be a problem with the teacher – the counselor cut in and asked if I believed that the staff was doing more harm by not moving the student to a different class. I very carefully answered that I did not believe the staff was causing the problem; however, I did believe that by not moving the student away from a teacher, who through no fault of her own, caused a PTSD-like condition for my daughter to the point that she was unable to overcome her struggles, they were, in fact, not helping but rather perpetuating the situation. The teacher scoffed at this. The counselor then asked me if I thought it was best if my student was home schooled. Again, floored.
I told her, to be perfectly honest, over the past school year (this now being February), I had absolutely considered it. However, this was the first year my daughter had been able to make any sort of friends. And was this really what it was coming to? Was I really being asked to take my daughter out of the school because the staff didn’t want to move her to a different teacher, a recommendation that was made not only in the psychologist’s report but also in a subsequent letter that I had requested from the psychologist because he had not clearly stated that he thought that was best. I provided that letter to the principal at the 504 meeting.
Needless to say, we got nowhere. The principal suggested that I sign an ROI for them to be able to talk to not only my daughter’s private therapist but also the testing psychologist. She stated that they wanted to be able to discuss what they were seeing at school. I said that the testing psychologist made his decision off of the survey and notes the teacher provided one month prior to the testing, combined with my daughter’s stated issues to him. He had done his job, and therefore, I did not believe the school should call to essentially change his mind. I did, however, tell the principal that I would speak with my daughter’s therapist the next day at her appointment and ask if she thought it was appropriate. The meeting ended abruptly with the principal running out and leaving everyone else there not knowing what to do.
The next day, as I stated, I spoke with my daughter’s counselor who in no uncertain terms told me that she would not provide any information to the school because she believed she had enough information on how my daughter perceived things from her teacher. I had also given her the psychological report, which she read and completely agreed with.
I informed the principal and continued to ask that my daughter be moved. The principal said she had not made a decision and then quoted some article or bylaws or whatever that gave her the sole authority to make a decision either way. So I waited. Three weeks later, I contacted the principal asking if a decision had been made. Other things had come to pass, and I was growing more upset as the days passed. The principal responded to me that she had stated in the previous email that she had not made a decision but that the staff were standing by to be ready to help my daughter in whatever way possible. I asked her how long she thought it would take to get a decision because really, I had been dealing with this all school year, and it was really starting to feel like there was some intentional delay to drag it out to the end of the year. She responded to me that unless I allow her to talk to my daughter’s therapist, she will not move my daughter. She did not state any reason why she made the decision, didn’t state what she had seen, didn’t review notes with me, nothing. That was it.
As a side note, but also pertinent to what is going on, my daughter is overweight, which has also affected her greatly this school year. Her teacher had been giving her soda as a reward and candy as an incentive. I asked the teacher early in the year to please not provide those options to my daughter as my daughter was really trying to make healthy decisions but, given that she was only 9 at the time, she couldn’t get herself to make the healthy decision and choose a non-food item as a reward or incentive. The teacher didn’t respond, so a week later I sent the same email, this time CC’ing the principal, which got the teacher to respond. She stated she would not give my daughter soda anymore, which I thanked her profusely for. I explained that my daughter often cried to me about how she just can’t get herself to make a healthy decision, and I appreciated the teacher for helping her in this regard.
The candy never stopped. I asked the teacher two or three more times before addressing it with the principal throughout the year. The principal also never addressed it with me. She just didn’t even acknowledge the issue.
In this last email communication with the principal, after learning that the teacher was still giving my daughter candy, I added that issue. The principal shot back in her final email that the teacher offers three options on the student’s desk: two non-food items and a candy item. It is the student’s choice and responsibility on what to choose, and if I wanted the teacher to stop giving candy as an option for my daughter, I would need to provide a doctor’s note stating as much and then a 504 would have to be created to only add that my daughter should not have candy offered as an option. That cannot be right. My understanding of a 504 where food conditions are listed are that there must be either a safety concern such as an allergy or an eating disorder that affects the student’s ability to learn… neither of which are true for my daughter. I was simply asking for them to help her by not putting a piece of candy on her desk and asking her to choose.
Anyway, I know this is such a long post. This is my first time on reddit. I really am at my wit’s end here. I am irate with the principal and the teacher. I am sad for my child. I am sad for my stepson who is coming into kindergarten and will absolutely need a 504 (per his preschool teacher) due to extreme trauma suffered at his mother’s house. I am scared of what this principal is going to do.
Basically, what I would greatly appreciate input on is the following:
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Can the principal tell me that she will do nothing if I don’t allow her to talk to the therapist after the therapist has said she doesn’t need to talk to the principal, after a psychological report has suggested a move, a subsequent letter from the psychologist has said the move would be in the child’s best interest, and her current therapist is in agreement?
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Can the principal tell me that she will not move my daughter without giving me a reason, instead saying she has the authority to make the decision, and this is the decision she’s made?
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Can she demand my daughter be placed on a 504 to stop candy being given to her? I know teachers aren’t required to stop giving candy. Wouldn’t it be better, however, for the principal, especially, not to ruin a relationship with a parent for something as small as that? It would be easy for the teacher not to put the candy on my daughter’s desk. The effects of continuing to include the option is having devastating self-esteem and self-worth consequences, however, that we all know carry into preteen and teen years as they progress through middle school and high school.
I really am just looking for advice. I don’t know what to do. I can’t find any information on Google or Reddit for this type of thing. For those of you that made it through this extremely long post, have you been through something like this? What is your perspective as a teacher? What would you suggest I do?
Thank you so much!