This is a continuation of a thread yesterday where I got lots of support around the circumcision question, so I hope to broaden the question a bit, and ask for advice if that’s ok.
When I met my partner three years ago, he was completely disconnected from Judaism and his parents for at least 10 years already. He left Jerusalem when he was 16 and moved to New York alone, he later gave another shot to religion but it didn’t work for him, so he left again completely when he was 26, now he is 40.
His dad is a rabbi in Jerusalem. His parents didn’t disown him, but they barely had any contact. I grew up Christian and always had an interest in Judaism, so I was always open to traditions, went to Chabad together a few times, and encouraged him to find a healthier connection to his roots. There was also a little openness from the other side; I was on some of their family video calls, and we had a connection.
When I got pregnant, they stopped talking to me which wasn’t surprising to us, and even though I felt really sad about the heartless grandparents who won’t accept their grandchild, I was ok with it, and I was aware of this being the most likely outcome.
Well, 6 months into the pregnancy, they came to visit us. They’ve been really nice! It has been super-duper difficult for us to figure out how to accommodate their needs. The only kosher hotel of the country wasn’t kosher enough for them, and they arrived right before shabbat, and we live in the countryside where there is no synagogue and no kosher food, so we needed to stay in the capital instead of our beach home, but it has been a good visit, they really went out of their way to not express to my face what they really think about me being pregnant with their grandchild, and I went out of my way to dress modest and not get a bottle of water in the heat on a shabbat so that I don’t have to carry it or pay for it. We had some great conversations and great connections, but I had this feeling in the back of my head that it wouldn’t be safe to fully trust them.
I’m now afraid that it went a bit too well. My partner now wants circumcision, his mum expressed that she doesn’t like our choice of name and asked about our doctor’s visits, and his dad reached out to me about mutual respect. It scares me a bit. I want our child to know his roots, and I have many secular Jews in my friend circles to hang out with, I’m really supportive of him learning Jewish and also Christian culture, Hungarian and also Israeli culture as it’s all part of who he will be, and he’ll have to navigate this third culture identity to which I’m prepared for. But I don’t want religious radicalism in the family, and they are extreme. My partner has another non-jewish child from another woman, and they don’t care about her. I have a fear that my being knowledgeable and open to Judaism makes them feel like there is a chance that they can impose their rules on us.
On the other hand, my partner is flying from happiness, experiences lots of healing, and feels accepted. I’m really happy for him, and I would love for my boy to have 2 sets of grandparents, but I have no idea how to handle this enormous difference between their lifestyle and our lifestyle. I would be open to sending our kid to a secular Jewish school, but I can’t imagine not being able to have a damn lemonade at a random bar because we don’t know whether the knife they used to cut the lemon is kosher. I find them very extreme and radical, and these radical extreme views are not welcome to my family, especially since I also know that they will never treat me equally to them. They will always think they are superior to me, and this doesn’t make me feel safe.